I recently watched a video of Celeste Headlee doing a TED talk on 10 Ways to have a better conversation.
It was sadly eye-opening for me. For a long time I know I’ve struggled to be a good listener. Actually most of the time I don’t struggle; I just don’t listen well. I am a chronic interrupter. But, as usual, this is bigger than my poor listening skills. Celeste hits the nail on the head in pointing out that as our children grow up in this new connected environment we all live in, with a cell phone usually within arm’s reach, that we’ve become accustomed to transmitting, but not receiving or interacting. Or if we do receive it is on our time and without the worry of interruption. There is little face-to-face conversation. I touch on this very issue in my story Quintessence where being connected in the future is not just habitual, it’s the law. But I think these communication issues are very real.
Be in the moment. Don’t be reading email or watching a show or checking your phone for texts, while half-listening to the other person. We all do this in degrees, some worse than others, and some far, far worse (like me.)
Your here to be in a conversation, not bloviate. If you want to do that, and I love this, make a blog. You can even turn off the comments if you really don’t want any interaction.
You are going to have ideas pop in your head while the other person is talking. Let them go. It’s not about you. You are supposed to be listening. If the idea is big enough it will still be there when it’s your turn to talk. It will also help you to NOT INTERRUPT THEM. My wife is one of the few people that calls me on this. It is one of my biggest character flaws.
And this is a big one for me, too. Don’t equate your experience with theirs. If they had someone close die, don’t try to compare it with the death of someone close to you. It is good to have empathy, but it shouldn’t turn back to being about you.
Actually listen, actively. Yes, some of us enjoying hearing our own voice more than that of others. That may not be the case, but you still need to pay attention to what the other person is conveying. Not only the words, but the way they convey it. Read the body language and the expression. You can’t do that if you aren’t paying attention.
I worry about these things with my children sometimes. Maybe unfairly, they are pretty great after all. Just ask me. But in general we are all doing less active interaction and more by proxy. I have become attached to my cell phone almost as much as my kids are, and Facebook, and Twitter, etc. But there is value in face-to-face interaction, especially with people you care about. It actually shows the other person that you value them, so there is more than simple communication involved, even if it’s really not all that simple.