Wendigisms 2: The Penmonkey Strikes Back
Tuesday December 11, 2012 | By Hieronymus Hawkes | Uncategorized | Leave Comments
I needed a good title for the sequel. I thought about naming this one Revenge of the Pen Monkey but Chuck already used that title for one of his writing books. Next was Dead Man’s Prostate, but that’s just a little too gross to publish across the interwebs. The Quickening doesn’t sound bad, but I’m happy with what I picked.
These are all giblets of stuff Chuck has published on his website and most are related to the art of writing in some form or fashion. They’re priceless. The first page of stuff is here on my 1st Wendigisms page. You can always read more over at Terribleminds.
And without further ado:
And without further ado:
- Feculent turd-heads
- Eff that in the ay, emmer-effer
- I will beat you to death with a sock full of your own teeth
- Mornings tend to be when your brain is at its lemon-scented freshest
- Think of this as a narrative laxative
- Covers that look like someone just ingested a rod of uranium and threw up in a clown’s shoe
- Suddenly your voice is scratchy and dry like you’ve been gargling watch parts and cigarette butts for the last ten years
- Loosen your mind sphincter
- Shock-prod your brain-squirrels into powering the endeavor at hand
- Sad trombone
- Harvest all the delicious Idea Chilli *nom nom nom*
- Plot is like Soylent Green: it’s made of people.
- Sweaty genitals, which is the worst ice cream flavor ever
- Massaging the prostate of your soul
- Your artistic faucet won’t offer anything but a quivering, syphilitic drip
- You are not a sad friendless little tugboat
- It’s about throwing caution into a woodchipper
- coffee so black it might as well have been ink poured out of a squid’s behind.
- scream like a Tasered girl scout
- you were just rolling around in a dish of someone’s fingernail clippings and hoagie sweat
- Extract those wretched little nuggets of hard black hate-coal and use them to fuel the writing
- trees only read magazines about trees. Printed on the flesh of humans
- your jaw hangs loose like a broken porch swing
- Secrete enzymes to build your own authorial exoskeleton
- we’re all gonna end up under the Grim Reaper’s riding mower
- it’ll slip through one of the many mouse-holes in your mind-floor
- chipping off the tiniest sliver of our intellectual granite
- Shake lose the barnacles you’ve gathered while floating inert in the murky harbor of your undoing.
- I’m allowed to make up new words because I have my Pennsylvania Writer’s License
- jet-lagged and dung-brained
- an autumnal orgy of sweet arctic fruit-sex
- SEIZE THE CARP. No matter how hard that fucking fish wriggles.
- Embrace the Viking immortality of having your ideas live forever.
- a rollicking case of the spiritual pee-shivers
- Cement your genital stamina
Things I Like
Tuesday May 15, 2012 | By Hieronymus Hawkes | Silly | Leave Comments
I was reading Chuck Wendig’s blog, Terribleminds, this morning and he mentioned something about avoiding negativity and to keep things positive. Talk about things you like, he said, so I am going to make a list of things I like. This is not a comprehensive list or in any particular order, just things that came to mind this morning. Keep in mind that I got up at 5:30 A.M., and I’m a bit groggy.
Things that make the happy:
-I like being married. I love my wife. That’s an easy one, but I actually like her too. She’s very concerned about making our lives better all the time, and she rarely slows down. I wish she would take more “me” time frankly, but it makes her happy to take care of her family. She’s extremely smart and is usually way better than average at anything she devotes time to. She is a great caregiver for our kids, and they have turned out pretty awesome so far (they could always take an ugly turn off the road into the deep chasm, but so far they are turning into awesome adults, that I actually like to spend time with.)
-Ditto being a dad. I wish I made more time for my kids. How lame is that? I think I would be a better parent if I gave them even more of my time, but I take time for myself instead. I have nothing to complain about with my kids generally. They are caring and smart and stay out of trouble. At this point, that’s probably enough. The fact that they are going to be someone that I’m proud of when they leave the nest to take on the world is just gravy.
-Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is delicious! Yes, it’s made from a box, from massively processed cheese, but it’s like mana from heaven.
- I love a great internet connection. Is that weird? It makes be cranky when I don’t have one. I made up my mind that I will never live anywhere that I can’t get high speed.
- I like hot dogs with just mustard on them -- even better when the bun is warm. The Dog Shed is a little family place in a small town close to where I work and they make the best hotdogs ever! Baseball parks are a great place also.
-A great science fiction story that noodles my head really flicks my bic! I am a huge Star Wars fan, but the brainy, thinky stuff is really a turn on for me.
- I love rock music. Especially guitar oriented stuff and usually the heavier the better. I do like my music to have a melody though, and I don’t usually enjoy the screamo stuff, but I can tolerate a little if the music is great.
- I like art. Good use of color does something to my brain. In that vein, comic book covers have a particular draw for me, even though I am trying to wean myself from buying them. I usually gravitate toward fanciful themes or outer space type things, but I am open to just about anything cool. I draw and have been dabbling with pastel chalk, and hope to find more time for this at some point.
- I still like to play video games. Great writing really flips my gibbet and I am enjoying the hell out of Star Wars The Old Republic right now. Diablo 3 is coming out in a few days, so I’ll probably get that. The last two versions were outstanding. There is a dark side to this if I play too much, I feel like I am not doing anything productive with my time, and the older I get the more important that is to me for some reason.
- I dig writing. It’s more than that, it’s beyond liking. It’s more like breathing. Writing for me is a psychological ibuprofen. It makes me feel better about how I spend my time; even when there may not be any really gain for anyone else. It feels like I am accomplishing something and maybe the illusion is more important than the reality.
- I like honesty and integrity. I want more people in my life that are genuine.
- I like clear nights where you can see forever and the stars of the Milky Way are all over the sky. I love flying at night, even when the weather is bad on the ground, we can usually get above it and see the stars. It fascinates me, and I think about just how humongous our universe really is and about other deep stuff, like why we are here.
- Contrarywise, I love sunny, clear days. We had a day this week that was mid 70s with a very light breeze and no clouds. Days like this make me think how lucky we are as a species to be able to recognize that life in the universe is so fragile. The Earth is in the sweet spot in its rotation around the sun so that we have liquid water. We have a large moon that blocks a lot of asteroids and creates tides and wind and stabilizes our atmosphere. We have large planets further out that block more stuff from hitting Earth. Everything works perfectly together to allow us to live on this ball of rock, it’s simply amazing to me, and laugh if you will, but confirms my belief in God.
- I like going to the movie theater. It’s an event. Not so much fun alone, but when you have family or friends to go with it’s kinda magical, like you are suspending time briefly.
- I like to read -- all kinds of stuff, books, blogs, new articles, magazines. I find that I like to fill my downtime with reading.
- I like kindness. It fills me with joy when I see someone do something nice for someone else, especially when it’s out of the blue. I just like it when people are nice, it’s that simple. You never know what kind of day the other person is having and sometimes a nice gesture can make their whole day. Why not bring some light into the world.
- In the same vein, I like manners. I’m not sure when we went off the skids, but I know I appreciate it when people give respect to others. We are all human beings and I think we all deserve a little respect, no matter what your station. I even call our office cleaner sir.
There is probably a lot of other stuff that I like, and maybe I’ll do another one of these sometime, but I need to get back to studying for my test. Don’t get me started on things I DON’T like…
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